Why the Mountain is Not Enough

For the past couple of weeks there has been an internal struggle about whether I am on the mountain or in the valley. I know I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. However, there is more that my heart tells me that I need. It is an active battle to choose to be blessed rather than sob over the things I have no control over.

My Mountain

I am living in an answered prayer. For those of you that know me, you already know my story. For the new people here, hi, welcome in. I will give a quick rundown. I started dating my husband when I was 18, right after getting out of a terrible situation. Everything was going well but we did not have financial intelligence. I was attempting to go to school while he was working but healing from my past hurts, without God, because I was angry at the time.

God Stepped In

Spending became my therapy. We spent a lot of money and neither of us was happy. My husbands job ended when the company was sold and we had to live with his mother. She is sweet, but I was not in a good place because I was still angry.

Best thing that could have ever happened because now my relationships are in a much better place, God broke through my pain, and life is completely different now. I serve in a church, have this blog where I hope I am helping people, both me and my husband have jobs where we help people, and an apartment with dog trails for my dog Arthas. I begged God for another opportunity to prove that I can be a good steward of anything that He gives me.

God completely turned my life around. Even the pain that I still had from past trauma is almost nonexistent. Gods strength is made perfect in your weakness, and let me tell you, I was so incredibly weak. I could not have accomplished any of this on my own. I could not have accomplished anything with other people but without God. God is truly a miracle worker.

If I can recognize that I am living in an answered prayer, then how could I have a valley?

My Valley

As Christmas nears, one unanswered prayer always becomes more obvious. The one thing that can take me from my mountain and put me into the darkest valley each and every time. Infertility. It seems like such a terrible word, almost as if I am saying Voldemort or something. If it is whispered then it may become more powerful. No, it has no power in itself, only heartbreak. The remainder of the year, the pain of not being a mother can be ignored. It is not as “in your face” as it is during the holidays when you just want to bring joy, buy presents, read the story of Jesus as a family, and look at Christmas lights.

There is an empty feeling that is hard to describe. I believe it was on the movie Facing the Giants, where they said it is like you are missing someone that you have not even met. My eyes want to cry and my heart wants to break, but I know that if I am to ever have the opportunity to become a mom, it will
be because God has allowed me to be. The valley cannot contain me because God has given me joy.

You Will Always Need God

There is one thought that persists since I have come to know more about God. He will not put you in a place where you no longer need Him. If He gives you something that is good and of Him, you will need Him because only good things come from God. If He gave you what your heart wanted of this world, you would need Him because this world is not sufficient enough. Your heart would be broken and you would need to run to God. We are constantly looking for Heaven in a sinful world.

24 “‘“The Lord bless you
and keep you;
25 the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
26 the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’

Numbers 6:24-26.

As always, God loves you, I love you, and I will be praying for you! Have a blessed week and stay safe during the holidays!